I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
