Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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