Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
