life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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