i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
