woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
