I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We had to coat check the pizza.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
