im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
