The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Moan for me like Helen Keller
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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