i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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