i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
