Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
nutella sex= disaster
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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