First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you will always have a special place in my vag
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
