Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
