Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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