If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
