Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They took my balls.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
