In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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