There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I cannot find my penis.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
