you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
