ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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