"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
