We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
