You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
