I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
