And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
