Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
