Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
