Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
