I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
