yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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