I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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