You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
