Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
