There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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