i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
