I looked at my own cervix.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
