I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she told me i tasted like america
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
