Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
