Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
