It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
