My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
