can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
