how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
