What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
