every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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