he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
