How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
