I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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