True but thats because hes a fetus.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
