Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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