i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
