wakey wakey hands off snakey
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
