If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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