Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
