Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize