hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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