Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
